Shame. Anger. Powerlessness. Betrayal. Self-hatred. Forgiveness. 

These are just a few words that express the emotional damage that is done to an individual following sexual abuse. Sexual abuse affects your whole life; it creates a constant negative inner narrative, leading to pervasive feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness, and impacting your mental and physical health, relationships, work and overall sense of self-worth.

Janet explained that Illegitimate shame occurs when we have feelings of guilt, blame and overexposure when we haven't done anything wrong. Guilt says, ‘I've done something wrong’ but shame says, ‘I am wrong, I am bad.’ Shame attacks the core of our being and there seems to be no way out. 

This is borne out in a 2001 study in Psychological Medicine, which found that people who had been sexually abused as a child were two to four times more likely to attempt suicide than those who hadn’t.

Janet went on to explain that the irony with shame is that it makes you want to hide, isolating you with a fear of being ‘found out' and subsequently rejected or destroyed. But the way out of shame is to speak; to find a trusted, safe person to talk to. 

This is often easier said than done. Janet advises that the first step is to speak to God about it. Let your prayer become ‘Lord, teach me who to trust. Prepare their heart ahead of time to hear what I have to say, give them the grace to understand me and let your will come out of this conversation.’

The road to healing

‘You don't have to just exist. You can feel alive, you can be healed, you can be whole.’
- Janet McNish

Healing from childhood, adolescent or adult sexual abuse is a deeply personal journey that requires a multifaceted approach. For Christians, incorporating faith into the healing process can provide additional support and comfort. Janet has created a framework of 10 steps you can take to begin the journey:

1. Acknowledge the pain

• Recognize and accept: Acknowledge that the abuse happened and that it has had a significant impact on your life. It’s okay to feel pain, anger, and sadness.
   
• Prayer: Bring your pain and all emotions to God in prayer, asking for His healing and guidance.

2. Seek professional help

• Therapy: Find a registered therapist who specialises in sexual abuse trauma. Christian counsellors can integrate faith into the healing process in a way you are comfortable with.

• Support groups: Join a facilitated support group where you can share your experiences with others who understand, and grow together.

3. Build a support system

• Trusted individuals: Confide in trusted friends, family members, or church leaders who can provide support and encouragement.
   
• Pastoral care: Seek guidance and prayer from your pastor or other spiritual mentors.

4. Engage in spiritual practices

• Prayer and meditation: Spend time in prayer and meditation, seeking comfort and guidance from God.
   
• Scripture reading: Read and reflect on Bible passages that speak of God’s love, healing, and restoration, such as Psalm 34:18, Jeremiah 29:11, and Isaiah 41:10. Find a list of healing scriptures here.
   
• Worship: Engage in worship. Music and communal worship can be powerful tools for healing and calming the nervous system. It can activate the pleasure centres in the brain, releasing dopamine and creating feelings of relaxation and happiness. 

5. Forgiveness

• Understand forgiveness: Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or excusing the abuse, but it can be a step toward releasing the hold it has on you. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Although you can forgive from your heart, it is important to establish healthy boundaries that protect you going forward.

• Pray for strength: Ask God for the strength to forgive, if and when you are ready. Forgiveness can be a gradual process as the offence impacts various levels of your life.

6. Reclaim your identity

• Know your worth: Remind yourself that you are a beloved child of God, created in His image and you are deserving of love and respect.

• Positive affirmations: Use positive affirmations and Scripture to reinforce your identity in Christ.

7. Set healthy boundaries

• Protect yourself: Learn to set healthy emotional and physical boundaries to protect yourself from further harm.

• Boundaries in relationships: Establish healthy boundaries in relationships to ensure they are supportive and respectful.

8. Engage in self-care

• Physical health: Take care of your physical health through exercise, good nutrition, and adequate rest.

• Mental health: Engage in activities that promote mental well-being, such as healthy friendships, hobbies, reading, or journaling.

9. Serve others

• Helping others: Sometimes, helping others can be a way to reduce isolation and increase healing. Consider volunteering, or getting involved in ministry opportunities.

• Share your story (not too soon): When you are ready, appropriately sharing your story can be empowering and can help others who are going through similar experiences.

10. Continual growth

• Ongoing process: Understand that healing is a process. It’s a journey. Continue to seek God’s guidance and remain open to growth and change.
   
• Regular reflection: Regularly reflect on your progress and be patient with yourself.

A prayer for healing

Consider praying this prayer for healing:

Dear Lord, I come to You with a heart that is broken and seeking Your healing touch. Please help me to find peace and restoration. Give me the strength to face each day, the wisdom to seek help when I need it, and the grace to forgive and let go. Surround me with Your love and the support of those who care for me.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

Each person’s journey to healing is unique. It’s important to move at your own pace and seek the support and resources that are right for you.

For more information or to contact Janet McNish please visit janetmcnish.com 

For more information on Micah Women Connect’s upcoming events visit the Micah Women Connect page 

You may also find this post on our blog useful: Navigating abuse: David, Saul and boundaries 

Useful resources