Navigating abuse: David, Saul, and boundaries

Abuse can occur in any relationship, within in any context. Micah member Brenda shares a biblical example of how God helped David to set and maintain healthy boundaries when his relationship with Saul became abusive

Abuse, in all its forms, seeks to shatter the very essence of our self-worth and dignity. It can manifest in intimate relationships, family dynamics, friendships, or even in the workplace. The story of David and Saul (1 Samuel 16-24) is one of love, respect, power and the struggle for survival; but more than that, it's a story that carries profound lessons on setting healthy boundaries.

Whether you are supporting someone to set boundaries, seeking to set boundaries yourself, or looking for inspiration on your path to healing and empowerment let’s learn from David’s journey with King Saul by looking at the choices David made and the wisdom he displayed in the face of abuse.

Recognising an abusive relationship

Recognising an abusive relationship can be challenging because abusive behaviours often start subtly and can escalate over time. David and King Saul’s relationship started with David becoming the king's minstrel. David played the harp for Saul to help calm him; through this David won favour with Saul.

So David went to Saul and began serving him. Saul loved David very much, and David became his armour bearer. Then Saul sent word to Jesse asking, “Please let David remain in my service, for I am very pleased with him. - 1 Samuel 16: 21-22 (NIV)

But Saul did not stay pleased with David; and their good relationship became eroded by Saul’s jealousy as he saw the Lord was with David (1 Samuel 18:12).

As David played his harp, Saul hurled his spear at David. But David dodged out of the way, and leaving the spear stuck in the wall, he fled and escaped into the night. - 1 Samuel 19:9-10

It's crucial to be aware of the red flags that may indicate you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, it's not always obvious. Here are some common signs:

Physical abuse: This includes any form of physical harm, such as hitting, slapping, punching, pushing you, throwing objects.
Verbal and emotional abuse: Hurtful words, insults, silent treatment and/or constant criticism used to control your behaviour. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse and may lead to low self-esteem and anxiety.
Sexual abuse: Any non-consensual sexual activity is a form of abuse. This includes coercing or forcing a partner into sexual acts against their will.
Financial abuse: The controlling of finances, withholding money, or being prevented from working can also be abusive behaviour.
Isolation: Isolating you from friends and family members. Your access to communication being limited, being made to feel guilty for spending time with others.
Control: Abusers seek to control every aspect of their partner's life. This can include controlling finances, decision-making, and even what you wear.
Jealousy and possessiveness: An abusive person may become excessively jealous, perhaps even accusing their partner of infidelity without evidence. This jealousy often leads to controlling behaviour and mistrust.
Threats and intimidation: Threats of violence, harm to loved ones, or self-harm can be used to manipulate and intimidate you into compliance.
Gaslighting: Abusers often employ gaslighting tactics to make you doubt your own perception of reality. They may deny abusive behaviour or blame you for the abuse.
Unpredictable mood swings: An abusive person may have extreme mood swings, going from being loving and apologetic to explosive and aggressive. This unpredictability keeps the people around them on edge.

David certainly experienced physical abuse, jealousy, threats and intimidation; and unpredictable mood swings within his layered relationship with Saul. To David, Saul was his King, anointed by God, whom he loved and respected; and not only was David the King's Minstrel, David was also the King's armour bearer, the King's champion fighter and leader of his army. Saul was also David's father-in-law and the father to his sworn covenant best friend Jonathan.

But despite all of these reasons for Saul to cherish David (which to be fair, he did in his own way) he also sought to destroy him. Throughout their story we see Saul leading a campaign to find and kill David.

However, David's unwavering love and respect for Saul compelled him to remain loyal and serve his king, even after numerous attempts on his life. Nevertheless, Saul's erratic and unpredictable mood swings - pledging to spare David one moment and then attempting to murder him shortly after - left David with no choice but to ultimately make the painful decision to flee.

Grace with boundaries

We can learn much from the way David handled his predicament. Let's take a deep dive into what giving grace with boundaries looks like.

1. Creating distance = 'You no longer have access to me.'

David fled his home once he realised Saul was still intent on harming him. He put distance between himself and Saul to protect himself (1 Samuel 20:1). From this point onwards David endeavoured to keep space between him and the king. God also supported David’s boundary with Saul by not allowing Saul to find him despite searching day after day.

David now stayed in the strongholds of the wilderness and in the hill country of Ziph. Saul hunted him day after day, but God didn’t let Saul find him. 1 Samuel 23:14

Even when God allowed David and Saul to eventually cross paths, on both occasions David still kept a healthy distance by standing away from Saul to communicate with him; the Bible describes him as calling or shouting out to speak to him. David even requested one of Saul’s men come and return Saul’s spear to him, rather than giving it to Saul himself.

It's important to get away from anyone who is abusing you and if that's not so simple to do, make the decision to create a healthy distance. David was wise enough to see Saul had a cycle of abuse that would start with regret, apologies, tears followed by more abuse. He was not fooled by Saul’s sorrowful words; he still kept his distance.

If you recognise being in this cycle, remove yourself and do not feel bad about it; remember God supported David with his choice to get away. Always remember, creating distance will help you to gain perspective on the situation; sending the message that access to you is denied.

2. Vengeance belongs to the Lord. Trust God to be your rescuer.

God delivered Saul into David's hands on two occasions. Both times David could have killed Saul with absolute ease. But he didn't. David remembered that Saul was God’s anointed and his ‘father’ (1 Samuel 24:8-13). David’s handling of Saul is the perfect example of Romans 12:19 where we are told never to take revenge, to leave it to the righteous anger of God, as he will pay them back. David’s faith in God is shown when he spares the King, deferring to God to be the ultimate judge of their situation,

May the Lord therefore judge which of us is right and punish the guilty one. He is my advocate, and he will rescue me from your power! - 1 Samuel 24:15

God is David’s rescuer, on both occasions when speaking to Saul he mentions that the Lord will rescue him from all his troubles. Throughout this story we see David speak to God to guide his escape and God did exactly that; He led David out of his predicament.

Like David, don't get caught up in seeking revenge, focus on your escape, God will deal with your abuser. David has given us a blueprint, we too have to trust that God will rescue us. We have to lean on Him through prayer during the journey and allow Him to guide us to the other side of any abusive situation.

3. Forgive and go your own way

Forgiveness is the act of letting go of resentment, anger, or the desire for revenge towards someone who has harmed or wronged you. It doesn't mean putting yourself back into the cycle, as tempting as the promise of the good old days is. When forgiveness occurs within healthy boundaries, it provides the framework for forgiveness to occur safely.

In their last exchange David’s frustration with being chased is clear, he asks Saul “why are you chasing me? What have I done? What is my crime?”; he speaks of the pain of being driven from his home to potentially die on foreign soil. Saul responds by confessing his sin, calling himself a fool, telling David that he was very, very wrong; asking David to come home with the promise of never harming him again (1 Samuel 26:21).

It's here that David returns Saul’s spear and tells him God gives his own reward for doing good and for being loyal; reiterating that Saul is the Lord’s anointed whom he would never harm. Saul speaks a blessing over David and they go their separate ways.

We can see David understood things could never be the same again. The good times of him being with his best friend Jonathan, his wife Michal (Saul’s son and daughter), leading Saul's army into victory and having the King's unwavering favour were truly over.

David forgives Saul and goes his own way. There is no embrace, no handshake, no reconciliation, just forgiveness.

So as hard as it can feel, give it to God, and allow yourself to let go of it.

It's only when you release yourself from the emotional grip of the past that you are free to move in a new direction. This wasn't the end of Saul's aggression towards David, and life was still challenging. But David held on to God's promise that there was a greater purpose for his life (1 Samuel 16); and we should do the same.

Useful resources

If you, or someone you know is going through any type of abuse please check out these useful websites:

If you would like to speak to one of our pastors, please contact us or call +44 (0) 20 8297 5287.

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